A friend in need
by PiperNickson
Summary: I don't normally do requests, but this one had me laughing so hard I couldn't resist. Hope you like it! For everyone else this is a fun piece written in like fifteen minutes and no way intended seriously, enjoy! Rated M for language and.. complicated scenes!
1. Chapter 1

Title: A Friend in Need… Part One (Request)  
Author: DinkyMew  
Game: Mass Effect (Two)

**Author's note:**** I don't normally do requests, but this one had me laughing so hard I couldn't resist. Hope you like it! I took some liberty with the idea and ran with it, but I hope it captures everything you wanted to see! Split it into two parts because I wanted to talk to you about the second half before I wrote it! For everyone else this is a fun piece written in like fifteen minutes and no way intended seriously - thanks!**

Disclaimer: Bioware own all content and characters related to the Mass Effect Franchise. Abigail Shepard is my own creation inspired by Jane Shepard, created by Bioware. Any original characters contained herein are my own creations and are not necessarily affiliated with Bioware.

* * *

Kaidan blinked as sudden thoughts assailed him. His eyes were closed, and in the blackness he felt a numbing strangeness sinking through him – like he had been gone; completely gone for a moment and was suddenly thrust back into his body with a jerk.

Carefully he cracked an eye open, anticipating to see the metal bars of the bunk above him, but instead there was strip lighting and the smell of antiseptic and something he couldn't place.

"Hmm. Problem." A voice said – it was light and spoke with a fast, unusual rhythm - and he turned his head to the noise almost naturally. His vision blurred a little and he reached a hand to his temple, attempting to stop the spinning as nausea threatened to spill from him.

The room was a mess of chaotic organisation; a desk cluttered with files and test tubes and smoking concoctions and Kaidan held his breath, frowning as a Salarian turned, two large eyes meeting his with a look of grave concern.

"Ah." He said "Major problem."

Kaidan groaned, sitting up carefully as he turned to face the Salarian with a deadly serious look.

"Where the hell am I?" He asked, and he flinched at the sound of Shepard's voice, turning immediately to cry 'jinx' at her only to be greeted by an empty lab. It was just him and the Salarian. He blinked, glancing down his body immediately noticing the bosom that heaved under a Cerberus vest.

"OH MY GOD!" He screamed, wrenching off the table and patting himself down frantically "I'm a woman!" He cried, hands running through long hair, feeling full lips and a dainty nose "I'm Shepard!"

"Commander Alenko." The Salarian said, trying to inject sense to his panic but Kaidan was too far gone, stumbling over boxes and crashing into the wall as he reared back as far as he could and trying for further, grinding his head into the wall almost. "Please calm down. We seem to have had a complication somewhere."

"You're damn fucking right there is a complication!" He said pointing a finger at the alien angrily, it felt odd, the hand was his – and it wasn't – feminine and small and he quickly whipped it back to his side as he shook his head and crushed his eyes closed "What the hell is going on?!"

"Commander Shepard had expressed her need to speak with you. I suggested trying the prototype transporter that would have allowed her to visit you subconsciously – but there seems to have been a mix up somehow."

Kaidan shook his head "What are you talking about? What the hell is going on? Where is MY body?"

Mordin blinked "I assume Shepard is with your body right now."

"I want it back." He said, sliding a hand over the wall, creeping sideways as he slowly made his way around the room "Like… now. I want it back now."

"That will take time. I suggest-"

He wasn't waiting, with a burst of energy he pushed himself from the wall, launching down the narrow walkway toward the door and punched the holo-lock before the Salarian could interject. Like hell he was waiting on a Cerberus ship for them to experiment more on him. Something had happened, that was for sure, but he couldn't rely on them to tell him the truth – or even help.

He ran into the CIC deck, the familiar glow of the galaxy map halting his footsteps.

"Commander." A woman with red hair addressed him and he caught his breath – _best to blend_ he thought quickly giving her a smile and a wave as he turned sharply heading for the elevator quickly. He punched for the command deck hoping there would be no one there so he could pause and think as he paced inside the elevator.

He raked a hand through hair that was far too long and awkward, it tangled around his fingers, holding fast and he shook his hand free again wondering how Shepard had made it seem so effortless. With a sigh he searched her pockets carefully, nothing out of the ordinary – a pack of gum, a crushed cupcake wrapper – he dipped his hand in for a second go yelping as something sharp bit into his thumb. Withdrawing the hand he could see there was a toothpick lodged under the skin and pulled it free tossing it aside angrily – what the hell was that about? Shepard never used toothpicks.

Popping his thumb in his mouth he sucked on it exasperated as he watched the floors slowly pass. The elevator at last stopped and he paused, pulling the neckline of the vest with his free hand as he peeked inside.

Nope. He was definitely a woman.

"Shepard?" The voice was familiar, too familiar and he raised his head just in time to see Hobbs enter the lift. He looked the same, dark blonde hair messy, green-blue eyes intense as his face drew into a warm smile, his arms reaching for him, his mouth following as he planted a kiss on his lips.

With a frantic movement Kaidan pushed him back, having to remind himself hotly that he was in Abigail's body as he wiped furiously at his mouth.

"Hobbs!" He yelled "What are you doing here?!"

"Uh.." Hobbs took an unsure step backwards, raising a hand awkwardly to scratch his head.

"Never mind!" Kaidan rushed on, barrelling past him into the cabin "I need your help."

He turned to look at Hobbs seriously "I'm not Shepard." He said plainly "It's me, Kaidan. In here. Somehow."

Hobbs blinked, looking him up and down dubiously "Yeah, right." He grinned "Nice try Tempy."

"No!" Kaidan yelled pulling at the vest he wore in desperation "I'm serious Hobbs! I went to sleep on the Citadel and I woke up here, in here. What the hell is going on?"

Hobb's smile faltered as he narrowed his eyes suspiciously instead "You're really Kaidan?" He asked at length.

Kaidan nodded.

"And you have none of Shepard's memories right? You're just Kaidan?"

Again he nodded.

"Then what the hell were you kissing me for?!" He yelled suddenly, wiping his mouth frantically as he spat on the floor.

Kaidan frowned "_You!_ Kissed. _Me_!" He yelled back "Don't lay that shit here! And _you _seemed to enjoy it too!"

Hobbs moved his shoulders "I didn't hate it."

"Oh!" Kaidan cried "No Hobbs!" He turned from him, his annoyance giving way to panic once more as he shook his head "Why _was_ there kissing?" He asked, suddenly stopping as the obvious question presented itself "What are you doing here Hobbs, on this ship – with Cerberus?"

Hobbs raised his hands "I'm not _with_ Cerberus Kaidan." He said defensively "I was… visiting. I just – sometimes we kiss." He shrugged "As friends. We're friends."

"We're friends." Kaidan said firmly "We don't kiss Hobbs." He added pointedly "Nor shall we start. Thank you." He pushed his hands into his hair again remembering last minute the trouble it gave him and then cursing as he detangled his fingers once more from the dark locks.

"Wow." Hobbs muttered "Ok. I think we better take a visit to the resident scientist."

"I don't trust anyone on here." Kaidan mumbled, detangling his fingers carefully and blowing hair out of his face "Can someone please get this out of my face before I chop it off."

Hobbs rolled his eyes, crossing to the ensuite he disappeared retuning momentarily with some kind of elastic band. As he approached Kaidan realised it was a band for his hair and took it reluctantly, sweeping the long hair back awkwardly as he secured it in place.

"We don't have much choice." Hobbs said as he watched him with amusement "Where is Shepard?"

"The Salarian said he thought she would be in my body." Kaidan said with a grimace.

"Oh." Hobbs said and then he broke in to a smile "Won't she be having fun then."

-xx-O-xx-

Shepard opened her eyes slowly, peeking to the side expecting to see Mordin working at his desk still. Nothing had happened. She sighed, clearing her throat after the hoarse sound and realising with a start she was no longer in the lab at all.

She wrenched herself to a sitting position, her head barrelling off something metal and solid – pain lancing through her skull as she cried out, pressing a hand to her head.

"Who was that?!" She cried, and then paused at the sound of her voice. It was deep and husky – a voice she had heard for months in her dreams and she looked down at her body, frozen as her eyes widened.

"Holy shit!" She screamed, her voice was not her own as she toppled from the bed landing hard on a metal floor "Holy shit!" she was in Kaidan's body – when she moved his hands moved, when she spoke it was his voice that filled her ears. She touched hands to her chest, feeling slick muscle and hard sinew under the Alliance reg t-shirt, the dog tags he wore – she had no breasts – the feeling altogether alien as she rummaged his pockets pulling free a set of keys for an apartment and a worn and faded piece of paper.

She unfolded it quickly, the writing on it was his and hers – a note passed so long ago now it seemed another lifetime.

_I like when you smile Commander._ And her hesitant reply: _All for you Alenko._

She crushed her eyes closed, shoving the note back deep into his pockets as she checked the side and backs – there was nothing in them. Steeling herself she approached the door of the cabin, opening it carefully she peered left and then right trying to decipher where she was. If she could find the Normandy she could get to Mordin and this nightmare could end.

"Alenko!" It was Councillor Anderson, she would know that voice anywhere "There you are."

She froze, thinking of a wholly appropriate 'Kaidan-thing' to say but came up blank, two years had passed in the time she lay comatose on a bed in some Cerberus lab – he could have changed in lord knows how many ways and so she simply saluted, unable to keep the affectionate smile from her face though as her Paps approached.

"What are you smiling at?" He scowled and she dropped the look "I need you geared up. There have been reports of Cerberus activity near the Terminus systems and I want you to investigate. Find out what they know. We need this Alenko – the Alliance won't listen until we have more proof of the Reapers."

Abigail swallowed – so it seemed that Kaidan and Anderson were still holding the battle at home, this whole time and she had thought he had given up on her. She had caved, falling into Hobb's arms like some kind of idiot when all along he was here fighting for her.

"Aye aye sir." She whispered, still caught off guard by how deep her voice sounded.

"Get to it Commander." Paps said, turning on his heel "You didn't get those stripes for looking pretty."


	2. Chapter 2

Title: A Friend in Need… Part One (Request)  
Author: DinkyMew  
Game: Mass Effect (Two)

Author's note: I don't normally do requests, but this one had me laughing so hard I couldn't resist. Hope you like it! I took some liberty with the idea and ran with it, but I hope it captures everything you wanted to see!

Disclaimer: Bioware own all content and characters related to the Mass Effect Franchise. Abigail Shepard is my own creation inspired by Jane Shepard, created by Bioware. Any original characters contained herein are my own creations and are not necessarily affiliated with Bioware.

* * *

"So what's the plan?" Kaidan whispered as he followed Hobbs through the Citadel wards – he was finding it difficult to keep up with him, his legs were much shorter and he had to jog a little to keep pace. Not only that but every time he turned there was some kind of male – be it human or alien – giving appreciative glances his way and he had to swallow each time, reminding himself he was a woman.

He was Abigail. Of course he was getting looks.

Not so long ago he had been one of those idiots, fawning over her like his eyes were about to drop from their sockets.

"Well, you don't want to go through Cerberus." Hobbs reminded him tersely "We find Abigail – you – and we go through the Alliance."

Kaidan groaned, wincing at the decidedly female sound to it and paused suddenly, grabbing Hobb's arm in horror.

"Oh no." He whispered.

Hobbs looked at him, his brow creasing as he gave him a once over "What? Why are you whispering?"

Kaidan shook his head "I have to pee." He whispered.

"To pee?" Hobbs asked, his eyebrows shooting skyward.

"To pee." Kaidan confirmed.

Hobbs shook his hand from his shoulder, glancing around him before pointing to a public convenience "Go ahead."

Kaidan blinked at him stupidly "I can't just go in there and pee!" He said, his voice rising in volume and pitch as she shook his head desperately.

"Well, you either pee in there or you pee out here." Hobbs said flatly "I know which one I would prefer."

Kaidan frowned at him, curling his hands to fists at his side as he stalked toward the toilet and slammed the door open. He passed the urinals swiftly moving to one of the cubicles, breathing a sigh of relief to find it empty.

"Kai- I mean… Shepard…?" He heard Hobb's voice just as he snapped the lock on the door.

"What?" He grumbled, lifting the vest to work at the belt around the combats.

"You're in the mens room." Hobbs said tiredly and Kaidan blinked, cursing under his breath as he wriggled the bar out of the loop.

"I'm here now." He said dismissively.

Hobbs smiled, leaning against the door "Remember and sit down." He said stifling a laugh.

"Fuck you." Came the terse reply from behind the steel door "I know to sit down." Then after a beat "This seat is cold."

"Don't be such a bitch." Hobbs moaned, leaning his head against the cool steel "And hurry up already!"

"Well piss off then!" Kaidan said exasperated "I can't just pee with you listening outside Hobbs, go bloody linger somewhere else."

Hobbs chuckled softly as he crossed to the exit "Remember and wipe!" He called back gleefully before slipping back out into the crowded wards.

-xx-O-xx-

Shepard was worried, more than worried. She was terrified.

She stared at the armour set, put away meticulously in the locker and sighed. She was going to have to do it. She was going to have to get undressed.

It wasn't so much the undressing that scared her. It was the curiosity she knew was going to creep up on her – because that was just how she was, and opportunities like this did not present often. She had found his apartment easily enough inside the Alliance embassy on the Citadel, turned out he had been sleeping in a staff room on the first floor. Why he didn't just go to bed in his own room was beyond her.

It was small, and sparse, lacking any kind of warmth. The only recognisable feature the guitar that sat on his bed and the worn, ring-binder with its dog-eared pages and the pencil shoved down the spine for writing his songs.

With an exasperated sigh she raised the shirt, pulling it carefully over her head, watching in the mirror the whole time as muscle flexed under skin, drew tight over bone, shifted in a way that made her blood warm and confused her all at once. Were these her thoughts? She shook her head, prodding a finger to the six-pack of hardened muscle at his torso.

"Well." She mused "That's new."

She lifted her chin – Kaidan's chin – inspecting the new scar at his throat carefully. It was a clean line, a knife or claw must have caught him and it had been deep, the skin silvery where it had healed. She ran her fingers over her name, still written into his skin after all this time. She had thought he would have had it removed.

She patted her hand on her abdomen, musing at how the sound was firm and then sighed at herself.

"Just do it for god sake." She breathed and yanked the waistband of the jogging bottoms forward, peering down at muscled legs and black boxer shorts, the fabric straining and she blinked, letting them spring back as she began to blush.

Whatever feelings that had come over her seeing Kaidan half-naked seemed to have spurred some kind of reaction in his body… Well… this was beyond awkward – and the worst part was she had no idea what to do to make it go away!

Of course she _knew_ a way – but that was not happening. There was no time for that nonsense – none whatsoever.

She was about to reach and grab the chest plate when the noise of the door behind her caught her attention. She jumped, spinning just as it opened and forcing her hands – his hands – between her legs to conceal her predicament.

"Kaidan?" Hobbs smiled, raising his eyebrows "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

-xx-O-xx-

The Salarian they had called Mordin paced, and tapped the datapad and then paced some more. Kaidan watching him unblinking, careful to keep his gaze on the doctor and not on his body sitting next to him. That kind of shit could mess you up big time.

"Well?" He heard himself ask and paused, looking to Abigail beside him who was frowning with his face.

"It would appear you have to kiss for the transfer to be functional." Mordin said "Transfer of body fluids is essential."

"Can I vote for gross?" Hobbs asked raising a hand "No one here wants exchanging of body fluids Mordin. Not in full view of an audience anyway."

Abigail nodded in agreement "That's too weird Mordin. Just switch us back."

Kaidan dipped his chin into his chest, musing at how much more comfortable it was with breasts just gracing his vision and then feeling eyes on him he raised his gaze to see Abigail scowling at him, the moment was somehow made more awkward by the fact she had one hand on her hip and looked decidedly feminine in his body. It was, unsettling.

"Sorry." He muttered.

She sighed, rolling her eyes as she turned back to Mordin.

"A kiss should suffice." He continued "The exchange will be minimal, but enough to trigger the transition." He blinked at them both, a small smile creeping onto his face "Try and generate as much saliva as possible. The more you produce the more likely for a successful transition."

Hobbs cleared his throat "Can't she just spit in his mouth?" He asked.

"Contact is required." Mordin said "Assumed this would be most natural circumstance for human."

"For God sake!" Shepard cried, and Kaidan flinched as she turned to him, strong arms gripping his shoulders as she pressed lips to his. They were rough, and the stubble on her face abraded his skin angrily as he crushed his eyes closed praying for it to be over quickly.

It was like he was falling; fear washing through him as his fingers spread wide and tingled like crazy. And rough lips became soft – only barely aware he was holding shoulders now, gripping shoulders in his hands. He flinched as a hand came to his face, soft and small and coaxing his mouth away.

He opened his eyes, blue ones staring back and breathed a sigh of relief.

It was over.


End file.
